I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good.
I’ve been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to
show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to
tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair
and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new
negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to
sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore,
you don’t touch me or anything. Either you’re cheating or you don’t
love me anymore, what ever the case is, I’m gone.
If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BROTHER and I are moving
away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true
that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good
woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to
try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work. I
did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first
thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother
raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice. When
you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY
BROTHER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago. I went to
sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag
was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my brother
had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee
was $49.99. After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we
could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for
ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to
Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a
reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime
from me. So take care.
P.S. I don’t know if I
ever told you this but Carl, my brother was born Carla. I hope that’s
not a problem.
Signed Rich As Hell and Free!